What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 01:20
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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I was seconnd youngest,
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
(And it was in our own minds.)
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why does Africa have all mineral resources but she is suffering economically?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She married twice! .
Why is the US going after Canada after all? What is the reason for all this hostility?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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We were not on the streets..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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My life is so biszare .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why did i forgive my father ?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So, i spoilt her more .
As i do to all so called friends.?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Put me off passion for life!!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But, we were locked up after school.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I will be 64.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I said to her
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Ive learnt so much.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I write beautiful poetry .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Would this be the day?
She was in good health!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But it wasn’t much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
All the time i was locked up.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She loved him until the end.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My family never makes their pension either.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Especially a lifetime of it.
So whats the point in blame.
I was very sick at this time too.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
This is soul school!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
What did i know ?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was 9 years of age.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She found it foreign!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
When she asked me how she looked .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I think the readers, may guess!
And i lived it daily.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We all went to grammer schools
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
It was going to be , some day.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I don,t even have a pension.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Comes on , in middle age.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im still living with it.
One cannot live in the past .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Who then, do I blame.?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She wouldn,t have been !
I waited trembling.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Was to survive, this bastard.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He knew the spot.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I have no regrets .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was scared of men, in general
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other